Today’s devotional was one of those that really stood out to me for its poignant reminder of just how human I am. Before I beat myself up in writing, I first want to acknowledge all the strides I’ve made this year to establish security in myself, get better acquainted with and working to clear my anxiety, establishing healthy boundaries between myself and others, grow confidence and assertiveness, and to learn to put down negative thinking. I wish I could’ve learned these things when I was a twentysomething, but I’m grateful to have learned them as a thirtysomething (and I’ll hopefully have them mastered when I become a fortysomething). I still have my struggles with trying to go above and beyond as an achiever, which usually results in me being worn out, frustrated, or overextended, but I’m not nearly as off the rails as I felt I was when this year started.
With that said, the crisis management, problem-solver, fixer, “Olivia Pope” nature I have will always be in direct conflict with what my faith calls for me to do. I have to manage crises in my home as well as at work, and even before I stepped into a supervisory role, my tendency has always been to just handle stuff as it comes. I can bitch and moan to whomever I need to when it’s handled, but in the midst of things, I just go to work.
For the day-to-day, I think it’s a normal part of the human experience. But as I continue my work to put God first in all aspects of my life, I realize I have to check myself before just jumping in to work. I used to fall with discouragement at the onset of adversity or difficulty, and I’m working hard to try to first be grateful – because difficulty is either a chance to shine or an opportunity to grow – and not take everything else down with what may be going wrong with one situation. It’s not easy (nobody ever said it would be, but I think all adults experience the “Holy crap this is tough!” feeling at varying points of life’s progression) because life isn’t cheap, options aren’t always straightforward, decisions require more serious thought the older you get, and if you have children in your life, you can up these factors exponentially to the fifth power.
So I guess I won’t be beating myself up that much, just acknowledging that I am unapologetically human.
Stay tuned, and God bless.